This is the man we call „Raumdeuter“. This translates roughly as „interpreter of space“, but actually it means we failed to come up with a better word for somebody who keeps scoring goals in a strange, wobbly way.
This is Dietmar Hopp. He is rich as fuck and some people claim his mother was a sex worker. He might save us all by finding a COVID-19 vaccine.
Maybe you already know Marco Reus, skipper of Borussia Dortmund? Should he ever offer you a ride, ask for his license first.
This guy is called Brazzo. Some people think he is scouting players for Bayern Munch through shabby YouTube compilations, but we think that most of the time he is too busy directing the breakfast.
This man is Joachim Löw. He doesn’t coach in the Bundesliga anymore, but he is our national coach. Sometimes he grabs his testicles and then smells his fingers. We felt you should know this.
Those are ultras. But club officials, pay-tv commentators and politicians who don’t know anything about football refer to them as „so-called fans“. Always. Most ultras think that the mother of Dietmar Hopp was a sex worker.
This is Claudio Pizarro. He has been playing in the Bundesliga since 1972.
This cozy looking fellow is former referee Wolf-Dieter Ahlenfelder. He passed away in 2014. In 1975, he blew his whistle for half-time after just 32 minutes, because he was a little tipsy. Later he admitted that he had been drinking a beer and a schnapps just before the game. You see, being a real man he couldn’t have a Fanta for dinner. He’s a legend.
This is Bayer Leverkusen. Back in the days they were known for playing great football and screwing up big time whenever they came close to winning a title. Now they’re just hanging around.
This bad ass ex-con’s name is Uli Hoeness. Although he is one of the richest men in Germany, he ended up in jail for stealing money. Still, he produces delicious German sausages.
Ralf Rangnick. He once explained the flat back four on national television, which is why some people think of him as some sort of professor. But now he is Head of Sport and Development Soccer (their words, not ours) for the Red Bull empire. Which is why every professor in the world should feel offended when compared to him.
This is Michael Preetz, business manager at Hertha BSC. He hates Facebook Live.
This is Bruno Labbadia. He is the new coach of Hertha BSC and also known as the best looking dude in the business.
This is Salomon Kalou. Some of you might know him, because he once shaved a cobweb into the back of his head, but for those who don’t: he’s some kind of whistleblower.
The man you see in this picture is Steffen Baumgart, coach of the league’s biggest underdogs, Paderborn. He’s not cold. Never ever.
And this is living legend Peter Neururer. If you have a coaching job to offer, please contact him.
We guess you’ve heard about Timo Werner, the Red Bull striker Liverpool wants to buy? Well, do you remember what some people think about the profession of Dietmar Hopp’s mother? According to some people, Timo Werner’s mother does the same for a living.
This is Union Berlin goalkeeper Rafal Gikiewicz. If you are planning to beat him up, stop it, idiot.
That’s former Dortmund player and world champion Kevin Grosskreutz. Don’t get into a food fight with him, he’s just too experienced.
This is Christian Streich. He speaks with a funny dialect and often looks like he is about to bite somebody. But then he gives an interview, talks about respect or dignity or books or chocolate factories in South America and all of a sudden nobody can be mad at him anymore.
This is David Abraham. He can get mad at Christian Streich quite easily.
That’s Lothar Matthäus. He hasn’t used the letter „T“ a single time in his life. Which is why we call him Loddar.
This man is Clemens Tönnies, big boss of Schalke 04. He likes to hunt. Sometimes he says racist things.
This is Rouwen Hennings. He’s probably one the few footballers not missing football. Because Rouwen Hennings just can’t miss. Facts.
And if you feel like restarting the Bundesliga is a huge mistake, don’t be grumpy with Gladbachs Alassane Plea. Because how do they say? Don’t hate the Plea, hate the game.