Dear Mr. Brady,
We are delighted to welcome you in Munich, Bavaria. To guarantee that you will enjoy your stay, we have prepared a small guide for you, so that there will be no misunderstandings with our culture. As you will see, there a some terms in your sport called „football“ that have a different meaning in our sport called football.
We hope that you will learn a lot and that you can apply your knowledge on Sunday, when you are our guest in our beautiful Allianz Arena! Enjoy! (Or as we say in Bavaria: Des wird a Gaudi!)
We know that your understanding of „blind side“ is the side of the offense, the quarterback has turned his back to after the snap. But when we talk about „blind side“ here in Munich, we mean that our bosses are blind for bad things like human rights violations in Qatar, if the the training conditions for our team are good. (And if the money is good enough, too, obviously.)
When we talk about „draft“ we don’t talk about picking players. When we talk about „draft“ we talk about about a nice large glass of beer or as we call it: „Maß“. In this sense: O’zapft is!
You may refer to „flag“ as a symbol for a foul. But here in Munich you have to be careful with flags! Here it can mean that you take a large flag with a message on it saying that you don’t like football on Mondays to a game of the second team and then you get banned from our beautiful Allianz Arena. (Especially when you have criticized the relationship between the club and Qatar before.)
Oh, we sometimes have field goals here in our beautiful Allianz Arena, too. But the most beautiful field goal ever here has already been scored, so don’t even try, haha! (Here you can convince yourself.)
Sorry, Mr. Brady, but here in Germany there is only space for one G.O.A.T. And that is Hennes.
Yes, we do have halftime shows sometimes as well. But our players get a bit irritated by that, so we don’t do it that often.
When we talk about „illegal formations“ here in Munich, we mostly refer to our bosses sitting together in the stadiums and not violating the rules on the pitch.
One of our bosses is called Kalle Rummenigge. Do you know him? He has a very funny definition of „face mask“, which differs a lot from the thing you have in front of your helmet.
Sometimes we also do „intentional grounding“. But by that we don’t mean to throw away the ball. When we talk about „intentional grounding“ we talk about sending our players to awkward christmas parties of our fan clubs to pretend that our players, who are rich as fuck, are still on the ground.
Of course we also have „motion men“ in our beautiful Allianz Arena.
Oh, and indeed we also have a „neutral zone“. This is the area of our beautiful Allianz Arena where our fans sit. We do have some fans in our singing area, which is called „Südkurve“, that support our team a lot. But because the rest of the stadium is so quiet and doesn’t care about the match at all, we secretly call this our „neutral zone“.
We have told you about our bosses before. One of them is called Uli Hoeneß. He can get very angry, so when you meet him, you better don’t mention topics like human rights in Qatar or the atmosphere in the stadium or Juan Bernat. Because when you do, you will understand what an „offensive line“ dropped by Uli Hoeneß is.
This guy is called Markus Söder. He is the President of Bavaria. He somehow is a „right end“ but not in the sense of a position on the pitch but rather in a political way.
Talking about positions we also have a running back. His name is Alphonso Davies. But because he is so fast, he is even more than a running back: He is a running back and forth!
Another position: Our „safety“ is not our last defender. When we talk about „safety“, we mean our fixed deposit account, hehe.
We also have some kind of „Super Bowl“. The trophy for our championship, the so called „Meisterschale“, is sometimes referred to as „Salatschüssel“ which translates „salad bowl“. And because we think salad is a super thing, there you have your „Super Bowl“!
Oh, please be careful with „targeting“ in Germany, especially if there are rich old white men around!
Last but not least: Please, Mr. Brady, consider, that when we talk about „football“, we mean football and not that weird game with the egg and the knight’s armor and the complicated rules, that you play. Thank You! We are sure: If you keep an eye on those little traps of our culture, you will avoid a lot of awkward moments and have a great stay here in our beautiful Allianz Arena in Munich, Bavaria!